OCTOBER 15, 1993
GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE
5
AIDS IN A 'SECOND TIER' CITY
and I say, you go on living." Gregg has his bad days too. He does get lost and depressed, and the assurance he draws from having worked through his own denial can be a fleeting thing sometimes. "It's important to keep focused and yet be able to change in order to keep moving ahead, even though you've just moved back eight steps. If things aren't working it's time to reshuffle."
Gregg also finds the space to vent. "I tell people I have four mini-breakdowns a year. I like to have little ones because it keeps me from reaching a big one. A good breakdown is a terrible thing to waste. It clears the mind, allows you to reassess things." But with the anger there is also guilt and loss. "I go through guilt about why I'm still here, what I've done to be able to be here. I've lost over 100 friends. It also forces me to face letting people into my life. The thing that breaks my heart is letting someone into my life and then losing them. But you can't shut down your life."
"Coming from my background, I didn't know any healthy boundaries," says Janis. "I would become a chameleon, get so into other people, I was fearful of myself. I feel that I set up an environment that was conducive to this virus." Janis's own natural drive to "explore intelligent investigations" has found strong motivation in AIDS. "Because I'm a telephone operator by trade, I know how to get information and I'm persistent. I had to honestly look at myself and find what I was supposed to do."
That self-examination, coupled with her "whole earth" approach to life, has led Janis to explore many complementary therapies. She speaks knowledgeably about juicing, raw foods, macrobiotics, Reiki, acupuncture and Super Blue-Green Algae. It's all about setting a foundation. "If I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, taking care of myself now, then I won't get to where I'll need to decide about issues like medicine."
But Janis notes a problem many within the spectrum know well: the struggle to find support in the established medical community for non-traditional approaches. “I'm trying to find a doctor who will monitor what I'm doing and not what they want me to do. It's also hard getting around to the people you need to see. The best people aren't always close to home." She's discovered needs for which there is little available support. "My children aren't in the spectrum, so there's no support for them. But I do realize that this started out as a gay man's disease and that's where the focus has been. But I like to network and be around people who research. That's where the Living Room has been great."
Though Steve has been sick and in hospitals twice, he doesn't let that prevent him from planning and taking pleasure in beating the odds. "I try to focus one day at a time, but I do make plans, things that aren't too far away. I'm planning on going to the Stonewall anniversary next year. I try to live to see these things."
Another big date for Steve is getting beyond the arbitrary one set for him when he cashed in his life insurance policy, an option many people have tried. "I needed to alleviate the stress in my life. I still have bills to
pay. I know some people view these companies who buy out your life insurance as vultures waiting in the wings, but I don't see them that way. It eased the tension of living life. I'm a lucky guy. I'm able to enjoy the things around me. And I love cheating that insurance company by living longer. I'm supposed to be dead next month," he laughs.
Steve has also come a long way in terms of personal relationships. "At first I didn't know how to tell my family. But I got this book, Now That You Know, and it had a chapter about AIDS and telling those around you. I found some special time to be alone with everyone in my family and I gave them a copy. They understand better now. It's one of the rewards to come from this, getting closer to my family of origin. They are all able to some degree to come up to me and talk about this. Boy, that's some victory."
Like Gregg, Steve has found the necessity for balance and perspective. "Oh I'm angry, yeah. I have my episodes where I go off, but I don't hurt anyone. You must vent. The thing is, people around you don't always understand this."
Steve remains active, sharing Gregg's philosophy about the importance of daily routines. "I like to stay busy. I like gardening (his beautiful yard attests to that) and I'm a member of Cleveland City Country Dancers. I guess I just try to address every day with a positive attitude. I see people who go negative and when they do that, nothing good comes from it. You have to make a concerted effort to decide whether you are going to live or die. You can't lay around waiting to die.
Nothing said to this reporter within the scope of this story is earth-shaking or new or is going to cure AIDS. But the insight graciously provided can be applied to the general malaise that infects everyone, particularly those outside the spectrum. Though some, like Gregg, may balk at being characterized as role models, "because it could all come crumbling down tomorrow," he says, there are models and examples out there worth striving towards. Gregg himself has been inspired by an unlikely source: death. "Death is a teacher. The people who have passed on are my role models. I've learned a lot of grace and dignity about dying through my friends who have gone on."
And yet there are also lessons to be learned about change, being ready for change as much as accepting change. Again, Gregg's long experience has taught him much and shown him the humor that can be found. "I'm always doing something, little projects for myself, painting tables, sewing tassels on everything, collecting things. I used to be horrified by someone's home where you'd go in and it would just be filled with stuff and you'd know some queen lives there. Now I look around and I realize that I'm that old queen.".
Our mutual laughter remained with me as I left Gregg's home. It lingers with me still. But more than a funny observation, it's a model of frank honesty, a model to follow if I'm ever able to face the old queen within myself.
F
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